This is the word, label, term that has been running through my head since this morning. Things haven’t been great, I mean, I thought they were, or so I was telling myself. I have struggled or been battling with my mental and emotional health for about 4 years now, well medicated, struggling, probably more. But for the past few months, or who knows if even more, things have gotten a little off, or out of wack.
But how could things be bad, I have been taking medication and bleh, bleh-bleh?
Clearly, something ain’t working!
Either way, all aspects of my life, are being affected by whatever shenanigans are currently happening in my head. Of course, there are a thousand things I could blame them on, all you have to do is open your favorite social media or a news app to see everything is fucked-up. We have more than enough reasons to be sad and angry, and depressed. My mind it’s scattered, I can’t focus, I can’t sleep, and hard to find joy in things I used to do for fun, and I drink far too much these days.
Yesterday, I had a talk with the dude, also known as “a professional”, and he called it. I am still, damaged. Well, he said depressed. But the moment he called it, the moment he alluded to it, everything started to make sense. It became clearer that, yes, I am unhappy most of the time, and it is affecting every aspect of my life. It really hit me hard, more than I thought it would. Now, I am back where I was 4 years ago, and I don’t like it, feeling like I am broken, asking myself why or how did I let it get to this point.
Am I the problem?
Am I weak?
I have gone through all of this once already, and it sucks. I also know that with help, which I am getting, it will — or should — get better. Not only that, but I just wished I had seen the signs sooner, as this can affect (and is affecting) others around me, and not just me.